


LeoRaph Week 2017

by Emerald_Leaves



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2003), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Feels, Fluff, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, SAINW, Violence, some smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-03
Updated: 2017-04-09
Packaged: 2018-10-14 10:27:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 19,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10534593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emerald_Leaves/pseuds/Emerald_Leaves
Summary: Fun bits from LeoRaph Week prompts on tumblr.





	1. Secrets

**Author's Note:**

> This is taken from my fic Losing Leo. It seemed appropriate for the first prompt.   
> The rest of the prompts will be more original :)

It was just one of those rare moments where they were getting along. Truly getting along. Not the kind of getting along just because they’d had sex a moment ago, either. But actually, really getting along.

Curled up and cuddled together, the two lovers stared up at the sun peeking through the grates above their secret spot. The city was just overhead, the bustle of human activities masking any sound of their own activities. It was warm here, cozy as the two had spent some time and effort into making this secret getaway their own.

They had just settled into a comfortable silence before Leo turned in Raph’s arms, staring at the bigger turtle, chin resting on his plastron. There was an odd little smile playing on his lips, one that had the hothead’s heart beating faster. “What?” he demanded.

The older brother shrugged, before his smile widened playfully. “Tell me a secret.”

“What?” Raph sneered.

“A secret,” Leo pressed, unconcerned by his lover’s lack of enthusiasm. “Something nobody else knows.”

Staring down into the sparkling eyes of his brother, feeling that odd pull in his chest, the turtle deadpanned. “I’m sleepin’ with my brother.”

Leonardo rolled his eyes. “Something _nobody_ knows, Raph. That includes me.” When the younger ninja remained silent, Leo sighed. “Fine. Guess I’ll go first. I love dark chocolate –”

Raph cackled obnoxiously just to mock. “Ain’t no secret, bro. We all know that.”

“You didn’t let me finish,” Leo snapped, before leveling out his tone. “I love dark chocolate so much, I actually keep a hidden stash in my room.”

A beat passed between the two before Raphael burst out laughing. This time it was more from surprise and true amusement. “You what?” he grinned, noting the rather attractive flush that came to his brother’s face at the admission. “Seriously?”

The older turtle shrugged, drawing lazy patterns with his finger on the other’s plastron. “It’s true,” he held strong. “Now your turn. Tell me something.”

Now it was Raph’s turn to feel his skin flush. Staring into those big blue eyes that twinkled up at him expectantly, smiling all on their own, left him flustered. Unsure. Because when Leo looked at him like that…

Mikey liked to claim that he was the cutest of them, the prettiest. From his light green scales to his adorable smattering of freckles to his sky blue eyes, the youngest liked to monopolize the aesthetic compliments. And while the light blue eyes held a certain appeal, Raphael would never call them beautiful. They were too pale, too open, like the sky. There was no mystery to them, no depth. The translucency of the sky had never charmed Raphael much, he preferred the cool darkness of the ocean.

Looking away from the eager gaze boring into him, Raph stared up at the light filtering through the grate. “My favorite color…it ain’t red.”

When he plucked up the courage to glance back down at his brother, Raph found Leo blinking up at him. And slowly, a stunning, adorable, hopelessly dorky smile lit up the leader’s features, smoothing away the severity and heaviness the turtle usually bore. Blue eyes glittered with humor and something Raph had never been able to figure out.

“Not red, huh?” Leo let out a quiet laugh. Raph was unable to stop himself from reaching out and caressing his brother’s arm with his thumb. “I bet its green, isn’t it?” he teased.

“Could be,” the younger shrugged noncommittedly.

“How very conceded of you,” Leo smirked.

“You asked.”

The leader laughed, the happy sound bouncing off the concrete walls, the echo settling in Raphael’s bones. While not normally one that liked being laughed at, the big turtle found himself content with his situation. Content to have his brother laughing at him. Because right now they were getting along. Right now, they were sharing secrets. And Raphael hadn’t known how badly he’d wanted to know something as stupid as Leo hiding dark chocolate in his bedroom. Or how badly he wanted to see the waves of mirth and warmth in oceanic eyes.


	2. Clear Skies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raph and Leo stargaze.

“There! See? Do you see it?”

Raphael pushed his brother’s fat finger out of his face, scowling. “Yeah, yeah I see it. Cool yer jets.”

If Leonardo heard him or was paying any sort of attention to the younger turtle, he didn’t show it. Instead, blue eyes remained glued upwards towards the heavens, glittering in the night. In their position on the ground on their shells, staring up into the black night, Leo was nearly vibrating. He’d been like this since they’d seen that first shooting star streak across the sky. And Raph knew his brother was going to be like this for the rest of the night.

“Isn’t it beautiful?” the older turtle whispered, the reason for his decreased decibel lost on Raph. They were the only ones around for miles and miles.

Glancing back up at the sky, staring at the tiny, sparkly specs, the hothead rolled his eyes. Not that Leo could really see it. “Just stars.”

Leo turned his head until he was staring at his brother. “How can you say that?” he frowned. “Just _look_! All that space! I wish we had that telescope of Don…”

The sad tone that hung in the air between them had Raph sitting up. Brows furrowed, he tried to catch his brother’s eye, but Leonardo was studiously looking up now. He’d slipped up and he knew it. Tough cookies, though, because now he had truly gotten Raph’s attention. And it made his gut squirm. It worsened when Leo started to implode, shrinking into himself.

“Ya regret it.”

It was not a question, but so much more than an accusation.

“No, of course not,” Leo sighed, sitting up as well.

“Bullshit!” the hothead snapped. “Ya regret it. I _knew_ you would! What the fuck was I even thinkin’, belivin’ ya’d actually go along with this! Yer probably gunna go back as soon as –”

Raphael was cut off mid rant by a pair of lips crashing into his. When his mind caught up to him, the younger turtle was tempted to push his brother away out of spite. He didn’t like how Leo could make his brain stutter and die whenever he kissed him. It wasn’t fair how the older turtle could win any argument they had now when he did it. Wasn’t fair how Raph couldn’t really stay mad at the asshole.

When Leo finally pulled back, however, blue eyes were wide and full of concern. Raph hated that look. “Why do you think I regret this?” he asked quietly, stroking the hothead’s jaw lightly with his thumb.

Angry and now flustered, Raph turned away, glaring petulantly at the grass. Working back up his anger, remembering why he’d gotten so upset in the first place, he snapped, “Because ya _do_. You wanna go back home and forget all about this.”

“No I don’t,” Leo denied. “Even if I _could_ go back, I wouldn’t. We’re in this together, remember? There’s no going back.”

The words were supposed to make him feel better, but they didn’t. Staring into his lover’s earnest eyes, all Raph could feel was guilt. Guilt because this mess was his fault. He’d been the one that had gotten careless, he’d been the one that had gotten them caught, and he was the one that had decided they were leaving after they were discovered. Leo hadn’t gotten much of a word in on the issue. The moment he’d seen Fearless’s proud shoulder’s slump, had seen the devastation on his face when Master Splinter and their brothers had condemned them, Raph hadn’t thought. He’d seen red. All he could do was scream out his hurt, destroy what he could, before grabbing Leo and driving off without looking back.

That had been last night, and here they were, now only twenty-four hours later and not over the shock. The bitter tears from the night before were dangerously near the surface again. For both of them.

“I-I’m sorry,” Raph choked, the words finally dislodging themselves from his throat, the words he’d been desperate to say since their family had first found them together. “I-I’m so sorry, L-Leo.”

The calming front was slowly disintegrating, and before Raph knew it, he was wrapped in his lover’s arms and held tight. Leo buried his face into the thicker turtle’s neck, seeking any comfort he could find. And Raphael would give it. Whatever Leo needed, he would give it to him. A thousand times over, he do anything for Leonardo. Do anything to keep him.

More tears were shed as the two teens sat huddled around one another. Their prospects looked grim. They had no home, no family, no nothing. They had no money, their food was running low, and they were out of gas. All they had, all they _needed_ though, was each other.

When they pulled apart, despite the tears in his eyes, Leo gave a shaky smile. The elder turtle leaned forward and kissed his lover sweetly, before sitting back. “We’re in this together, Raphael. No one and nothing is ever gunna come between us. Okay?”

“Okay,” Raph nodded, gruffly whipping at his eyes. He hated when people saw him cry, but he supposed Leo seeing was tolerable. “Together.”

Smiling a little brighter, Leo carefully pushed at Raph and the big turtle allowed himself to lay down. They laid once more in the grass, side by side. They had only each other, and that was okay.

“We’ll get through this, Raph,” Leo whispered, taking the forest green hand in his own and squeezing tight. “We just need to figure out where to go.”

“I already know where ta go,” the hothead replied, startling the other.

“Do you? Where?”

Smiling softly, Raphael kept his eyes on the sky. Now that he looked at it, the clear night was rather lovely. Dark, open, mysterious, and full of infinite possibilities. The clear skies were a promise of change and chance. It was beautiful. But not nearly as beautiful as his lover’s eyes.

“Up there,” he pointed, not having to see Leo’s face to know he was probably surprised. “To the stars.”

The feeling of Leonardo snuggling in close, to sense relief and determination and _happiness_ was exhilarating. Because there was nothing holding them back now. The universe was theirs. They just had to fly away to freedom.


	3. Tease

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's spring time and hormones are running high.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am utter trash.

It was time to take matters into his own hands. To retaliate. Because if there was one thing that Leonardo would not tolerate, it was being out maneuvered. _He_ was the leader, _he_ was the strategical mind in the family! And with the way Raphael was acting lately, he knew he couldn’t let this go. For the family’s sake. For Raph’s sake.

It was their hormones, spring time messing with all of their heads, and it messed with Raphael the worst. As the brother smacked around the most with their turtle instincts, this time of year insured that the hothead was an absolute _terror_. His temper was through the roof, his aggression out of control. If he wasn’t in his room doing who knew what – they were all pretty sure they knew what their other brothers did in their ‘alone time’ during this time of year – he was in the dojo _obliterating_ his punching bag.

But enough was enough. Raph was getting out of control and everyone was desperate for peace. And while he knew it was dangerous, knew this was probably going to be one of the most potentially fatal moves he’d ever make, Leo knew he had to be the one to do this. He had to be the one to confront Raphael.

So after a day of research, after sneaking out to gather the supplies he needed, Leonardo crafted perhaps his most elaborate and devious plan. While uncomfortable, embarrassed even, he was determined. He had to help Raphael and the rest of his family. A little discomfort was something he was willing to sacrifice. The reasons as to _why_ he was so willing to make this sacrifice, however, he didn’t like to look at too closely.

After meditation, cementing the rest of his plans, Leo went to breakfast to find Donnie falling asleep in his coffee and Mikey still cooking. Raph was there at the table, scowling blackly at nothing. He wasn’t having a good morning. Taking a deep breath, Leo walking into the kitchen. “Good morning,” he called to his brothers, sitting beside Raphael.

“Morning!” Mikey chirped, before turning back to pancakes. Donnie didn’t even blink.

Raphael grunted something, but whether it was a greeting or not remained to be determined. Instead he sat viciously shoving cereal into his mouth, not slowing down or looking up. As he studied his brother covertly, Leo knew he had his work cut out for him.

Together the brothers ate their morning meals, Mikey chattering about his dream of kittens in jetpacks, while Donnie’s brain continued its slow boot up. No one really spoke to Raph this time of year unless strictly required and he offered nothing in return. It was up to Leo to keep conversation going with the youngest ninja, all the while keeping his real attention on Raphael. While normally not advised, he kept brushing the hothead’s leg with his own, disguising the act as shifting in his chair away from their little brother’s wild movements as he regaled them with his dreams. He knew his immediate younger brother was getting annoyed, but Leo pretended not to notice.

Apparently he did it often enough that the hothead couldn’t take it. “Would you _stop_!” he snarled in Leonardo’s face. His violent movement was the perfect excuse to ‘drop’ a fork on the floor.

Face impassive save for a frown, Leo rolled his eyes. “Cool down, Raph,” he sneered. “I didn’t do anything.”

“Ya keep –!”

“Okay, okay, whatever I did, I’m sorry,” Leo held up his hands in a gesture of surrender before mentally counting down the seconds it took Raph to recompose himself. It took twenty-four. He was already high strung this morning.

When the brute finally backed off, turning to his breakfast, Leo very carefully leaned over to pick up his fallen fork from the floor. With Donnie finally waking up and Mikey being distracted by the genius now, Leo took his time in lowering himself down, momentarily checking his red banded brother out from the angle under the table. Smirking, the eldest braced one hand on his brother’s knee before making a show of trying to reach the fork, almost resting his head in Raph’s lap in the processes.

That was enough for Raphael. The moment Leo started to straighten up, the big turtle shot to his feet and was stomping out of the kitchen. But not before his elder brother witnessed a very real flush to his cheeks.

All according to plan.

In the dojo training took on a whole new meaning when an aggressively hormonal Raphael was involved. Leo directed his brothers to each work individually today, not wanting there to be any accidents needlessly. The hothead of the group had already taken to muttering to himself, no need for him to waste all that pent up energy squabbling with Mikey or Donnie.

Thankfully everything went as smoothly as could be expected in their distracted states, and when the younger two turtles excused themselves after practice, it left Raph and Leo in the dojo. Raph immediately went to work over his punching bag, while Leo decided to ‘cool down.’ Walking until he knew he was in his younger brother’s sights, Leo began the seemingly innocent task of stretching.

Very aware of how green eyes kept flickering over to him reflexively due to his movements, Leonardo put on a show. He knew very well how to move his body to keep up the appearance of a thorough stretch while also showing off all his best features. He kept his eyes locked on the floor, pretending to space out while his senses were trained on Raph. He could _feel_ toxic eyes burning into him by the end, the punches coming in irregular, hesitant rhythm. So knowing he had his brother’s full attention, Leo decided to give him the grand finally.

Making sure the others were truly distracted and wouldn’t be coming in any time soon, Leo leaned forward to touch his toes. Making sure Raph got a good view of his rump in the air, he even allowed his tail to flicker up momentarily before tucking it away.

There came a sound from behind him like a strangled walrus, and within seconds, Raphael was storming out of the dojo, not even bothering to close the _shoji_. Straightening up, Leo smirked to himself, amused by his younger sibling’s reaction, but slightly surprised by his force of will. He would have thought _that_ little demonstration would have snapped Raph’s limited control. It wasn’t like Leo was being subtle.

Shrugging, knowing he’d have to try a little harder, the leader wandered out into the pit where Mikey was playing a game. Smirking as he heard the shower blasting in the background, Leo sat beside his youngest brother and played a few games with him. When they heard the shower turn off, Leo turned around to watch Raph wander out of the bathroom. They locked eyes, the older turtle giving what he hoped came off as a seductive smile as he allowed his eyes to rack over the _wet_ bulky turtle. Once more Raph’s face flushed and he stomped to his bedroom, slamming the door closed.

“Sheesh, what’s _his_ problem?” Mikey snorted, not taking his eyes off the screen.

But they all knew very well what the problem was. It happened every year since they were thirteen, and this year, Leo was going to do something about it.

A call from Casey later that night proved that there was little to no real crime that warranted their attention, and with none of the turtles completely up to specs, Leo decided that they would stay in for the evening. That was perfectly fine with Donnie, who had a million projects to be working on, and Mikey was always good, seeing as he had T.V. and videogames to distract him. It was Raph who had taken the news poorly, but had clammed up at Leo’s easy smile.

“I could help you think of something to do,” the leader offered quietly, ensuring that the statement came across as innocent as possible.

That weird choked off noise came from the hothead again, before he turned and fled to the pit. Mikey was watching some weird reality show. Normally Raphael _hated_ reality T.V. but considering he was running away from Leonardo, he was making an exception. The act amused the oldest, who slowly wandered down to join the other two. He made sure to sit near the hothead.

They sat together for an hour or two before Mikey declared that he needed snacks. He jumped up so quickly, flinging the remote across the couch, before rushing off, enlisting Ice Cream Kitty’s help. The hyperactive turtle would be busy for a while.

Leaning over across the couch in the appearance of claiming the remote for himself, Leo stretched out slowly until he was almost completely on his side. Once more, with his butt exposed from off the cushions, he allowed his tail to flip up, very aware of how Raphael was studying him. “ _Yesssss_ ,” he dropped his voice low, slowly crawling back up into a seated position once he had the abandoned remote.

Turning to smile at Raphael, he found the bigger turtle glaring at him. But there was a hunger in his eyes, a tremble in his hands in an attempt to restrain the appetite. They couldn’t have that.

Scooting closer to the ridged turtle, keeping their eyes lock, Leonardo stopped when there was just a sliver of space between them. Resting a hand on the hothead’s thigh, enjoying how he shivered, Leo held out the remote. “You want it?” his voice was soft and low, full of suggestion.

Raph’s breathing had picked up by now, his chest starting to heave. He didn’t look away from Leo, the neon green of his eyes blazing. “Yeah,” he growled, hand rising but hesitating, as if he couldn’t decide what he was going to grab.

Smirking, Leonardo leaned in a little closer. “Then _take_ it.”

That was it. Raphael could _never_ allow a challenge to go unanswered. Especially from _Leonardo_. And true to form, the bigger turtle snarled, reaching out his hand and grabbing Leo behind the neck. His grip was tight, bruising. Growling low in his throat, sending a shiver dancing down the elder turtle’s spin, Raph came in closer, their lips just hovering over each other.

“I’m gunna fuck that little smirk off yer face,” he snarled, eyes roving over his brother.

A thrill of success and lust shot through Leo’s veins, as his grip on his brother’s thigh tightened. “Don’t hold back.”

Before he knew it, Leo was up off the couch with Raphael’s hand locked around his wrist, as they stormed to his bedroom. “Yer gunna get it,” the bigger turtle promised.

Silently congratulating himself on a job well done, Leo couldn’t help but wonder how Raph would react when he discovered the lube in his belt pouch and the plug the older turtle had been wearing all day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get it? Get it?? The tease is I didn't finish *isshot*


	4. Carpe Diem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raphael reflects on how he feels about Leonardo.  
> Prompt: Hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Carpe Diem - seize the day!

Today was the day. Raphael had finally had _enough_. Today he was going to tell Leo off once and for all. Today he was going to tell his big brother how much he hated him.

While things between him and Leonardo had always been…intense, here lately it had just gotten out of control. Where once he and Big Brother used to be the best of friends, always running off to play just the two of them when they were tots, now they could barely stand to be in the same room with each other for more than ten minutes without bursting into some kind of argument. Their fights had become horrendous recently. Raph just couldn’t bring himself to worry about really hurting Leo anymore. The leader could take it, he was a ‘master’ now after all. He could stand to have a bit of a beating every once in a while.

It really never should have gotten to this point. There were times when Raph looked back at it all and found himself rather sad with how their relationship had gotten. They’d once been so close, knew everything about the other, every secret they’d managed to keep while having two nosey little siblings and a watchful father. There’d once been a time when Raph would go to Leo for anything, would actually seek out his company as opposed to doing anything to avoid it. They’d been as close as any brothers could be – and even just a little bit more. He and Leo…they’d had a real, strong connection with one another, a certain… _something_ that couldn’t be produced between anyone else.

And then things had changed.

One morning there had been strange vibes in the air, and Raph had known that his relationship with everyone, with Leo, would never be the same. He couldn’t quite remember what had happened exactly, or who had started the fight, but in the end it didn’t matter. After that, he and Leo had never been the same. Hurtful words had been said by both parties. Wounds inflicted that ran too deep and had torn too much. After that one terrible fight, they’d just never been the same.

After that Raph had made it his personal mission to hurt Leonardo as much as Leo had hurt him. He was rude, mean, and sometimes outright hostile towards his brother. The younger turtle called him names, beat him up, and sometimes went out of his way to insure that he knew he was not liked by Raph anymore. Anything and everything the younger ninja could do to him, to make his brother sad, to make him hurt, Raph had done it.

Except…

Except every time Raph hurt Leo, he hurt himself. The sad blue eyes, the desperate pleas of the older turtle asking what was the matter, the tears that in younger years had been openly shed…it all cut into Raphael until he wanted to scream. Each time he took his brother down a peg, he threw himself down as well.

It just…hurt.

It hurt to hurt Leo, but in the beginning, he’d been stubborn. He’d thought that if he’d kept going the pain would go away. But it didn’t. It hurt worse and worse each time. As he grew, when he became a teenager, Raph found he couldn’t stop. His hateful attitude had suddenly become a part of himself. The anger and aggression that had come so naturally had molded him until he was afraid to stop being angry. Afraid to let go of the past pointless resentment he’d harbored and instead had allowed it to fester against his older brother. His best friend.

But as they grew older, Raph found that he could work with and around the pain. It helped fuel him, sustained him. His hatred for Leonardo had helped him accomplish some pretty amazing feats in the past. Had pushed him to be the best he could be. Because one smug grin from Leo after he beat Raph in the dojo, one haughty command, one raised eye ridge of doubt could spur the big turtle on, push him into doing the impossible. Raph was strong now not simply because he wanted to be the best, he was strong so that he could _prove_ to Leo that he was the best. He wanted his brother to see just how much he didn’t need him, just how much Raph could take care of himself. Leo might have been chosen as leader, but that didn’t mean Raph needed the nerd to look out for him.

Really, Leo’s leadership had put one last, definite wedge between them. Splinter’s announcement had not only been like a bucket of ice water to drench Raphael’s heart, it had irrevocably cast his big brother away from him. Being leader made Leo a stranger. The turtle wasn’t the same after that announcement as he struggled with the weight of command on his shoulders, a burden Raphael would never fully understand. Once he’d gotten the smallest taste of what that burden was like and he’d hated it, been frightened of it, and it had only been for one night.

Being leader, he’d noticed, was a lonely path. At first Raph had been jealous of the prestigious title, the fact that Leo could now exercise control over them. He didn’t like being told what to do, especially by _him_. Leo hadn’t earned his respect or his loyalty, and the fact that the older ninja pushed them, told them what to do, had exploded several times in their faces in the form of Raph’s temper.

But as they got older, as they had taken on more and more responsibilities, Raphael had come to see leadership for what it truly was: Lonely. Frightening. Hellish. A weight.

After the whole ‘Fungus’ thing, finding Leo passed out when he’d managed to save them all, Raph had heard him confess to Sensei that his fears were still there. His fear of failure. And since then, he’d heard his brother having nightmares on more than one occasion. Leo was never loud enough to wake anyone, but then somehow, Raph always woke when his brother had night terrors. Would peek out of his door when the leader got up and headed to the kitchen to make tea or get a glass of water after those dreams, would watch the clock and time how long it would take for the older turtle to calm himself down, until he could brave going back in his room again.

Raph hated him for that.

And besides nightmares, Leonardo had also begun to train more with Master Splinter. This especially had made Raph jealous until he’d spied on them a few times while they trained. What Sensei was putting Leo through…it looked like hell. Not that the moves were especially difficult, because most of them weren’t, it was more that…there was just more intensity to them. More focus and endurance required.

Over and over Leo would repeat the same exercises until perfect. Each time Master Splinter put on a little more pressure, until by the end of the lesson, Raph had been so sure his brother would snap. But Leo never did. Leo would be dripping with sweat, would struggle and strain, but he never fell. And when the physical lessons were over, Master Splinter expected the eldest to study, to read books on strategy and warfare, learn new tactics and study maps. And when the assignment was given, Sensei had Leo meditate, focusing all his energy on unlocking the secrets of the universe and inner peace.

By the end of each session, big bad Fearless Leader actually looked exhausted. While the rest of them messed around, Leo was studying hard, working to perfect himself. It pissed Raph off. While the rest of them were engorging themselves with pizza and video games, Fearless was alone, doing something more worthwhile.

Raph hated him for that.

This was partially the reason why Raph had become more obsessed with putting in hours in the dojo or punching his bag. Leo wouldn’t be the only one with an edge in the family. He might not have the head for the spiritual, or the patients for tactics and strategy, but Raphael _refused_ to lag behind physically. As he grew, he became stronger, more muscled. Now that he was almost at the end of his teenage years, he was much taller and thicker than before. Leo could be the leader, but _he_ would be the bruiser, the unstoppable force that not even Fearless could overwhelm.

In the evenings Leo had taken to meditating in his room with the door open. He would listen and wait for all of them to start wandering towards bed before beginning his rounds. Usually it was Raph who more willingly went to his room in the evening. His temper and patience didn’t allow for him to be in company longer than necessary, but he didn’t always go right to sleep. He’d learned better. Instead, he’d taken to listening to Leo, who, after being kicked in the ass all day by Splinter’s lessons, would ensure his younger siblings went to bed. Mikey, despite being glued to the T.V, was easiest. One stern look from the oldest had the orange banded ninja skipped off to bed.

The challenge came with Donatello.

With a hell of a lot more patience than Raph would have ever been capable of possessing, Leo would go to Donnie’s lab and inform him that it was time for bed. After a while Leo figured out that he should go to the genius first before any of them, informing the brainiac of how late it was. After, he would leave Donnie when he pleaded for only ‘ten more minutes,’ and returned after the allotted time. Usually Donnie resisted, spouting some kind of techno mumbo-jumbo/science geek speak at Leo, informing the leader about how he couldn’t quit, how ‘volatile’ such-and-such chemical was, or how he needed to watch this experiment ‘closely’. Leo would listen before more _sternly_ informing the younger turtle it was time for sleep.

Eventually after battling, Leo came out the victor because of his stubbornness. It was impossible to _make_ Donnie sleep, but Leo took it upon himself to at least get the genius out of the lab and into his room. What Don did there, they all knew it wasn’t really sleeping, but it was the closest they could get. And with all of his siblings in their rooms, Master Splinter having retired hours before, Leo would walk around the lair checking out their security before allowing himself to go to his own room. After an exhausting day, Leo was always the last to bed.

And the first to rise.

Raph wasn’t sure how Fearless did it, but it pissed him off. Perfect Leonardo, rising with the sun. The first awake, the last to sleep, always in perfect form when in training. Splinter’s perfect fucking little ninja pet. It was disgusting.

In their lessons together, Raph’s hatred for his brother was especially apparent. While out topside it was evident he didn’t care for his brother, he was at least smart enough to not want to jeopardize the safety of their younger siblings. Out on the roofs, whether he liked it or not, Leo was in charge. When they were in the sewers, however, Splinter was in charge and Raph never listened to a thing Leo said if he could help it. Anything he could do to wipe that damn smug smirk off the asshole’s face was worth it, even if he got the occasional lecture from Sensei about his attitude.

But that was just it. Another thing that infuriated Raphael. While he got the _occasional_ lecture from Sensei whenever he and Leo got into it, Leonardo _always_ got lectured. It didn’t matter if Raph started the fight, the minute they each were separated and cooled down, Splinter dragged Leo away. Once he’d listened in, convinced that Splinter was just telling Leo not to take Raph’s ‘tantrums’ seriously and that he was so much better than his younger brother.

That wasn’t the case.

Instead of Sensei gently reminding his eldest to be patient and faulting Raph, the hothead had been floored to discover that the rat was rebuking Leonardo. Scolding him for losing his temper, disappointed in him for being drawn into a fight. For whatever reason it seemed Splinter was largely giving Raph a pass on his behavior while chastising Leo for his. ‘A good leader must maintain a clear head at all times, Leonardo. You know Raphael’s behavior and yet you allowed yourself to lose control.’

Unbelievably the fight was being pinned on Leo entirely. Being leader he should have known better than to lose his temper. As leader he should have found a way to make peace with his brother. As leader he should have risen above the bait and the anger spewed in his face. As leader he should have never let the argument escalate into something physical. It didn’t matter that it was Raphael who started it all, who was the cause of all the conflicts.

And like the good student he was, Leonardo accepted their father’s rebuke. He accepted that he had failed in some capacity even though there had been nothing he could have done to stop Raph. Like the perfect goody-goody he was, Leo sat silently as he was lectured at and never complained.

Raph hated him for that, too.

On missions, out from Splinter’s watchful eye, Leo was different. He was more forceful in his command and never put up with shit. His fears of losing one of them, of making the wrong decisions, ensured that he did not tolerate anything less than obedience. Had the missions not been so important, Raph might have come to argue with his brother more than he did topside, but he wouldn’t risk Donnie or Mikey’s safety. Really, he didn’t want to risk Leo’s safety either, but the asshole was always the first in and the last out of a fight if he could have his way. Any really dangerous stunts pulled were done by Leo. If there was a hazardous risk to be taken, Leo did it himself and made sure his siblings stayed out of harm’s way. If someone was to get hurt while fighting, it was Leo.

Raphael shuddered as he recalled when Leo had basically fought the entire Foot army by himself, taking on the Shredder’s henchmen as well as challenging the Shredder himself. Leo didn’t speak about the fight often, but from what Splinter had said after tracking Leo before his own show down began with his old rival during the Invasion, Big Brother had not held back. The trail he’d left for their father suggested struggle and hardship. And when Shredder’s forces had thrown Leo through that window into April’s house…

Raph hated Leo for that.

Hated how lifeless he’d been. How the blood just kept pouring out. How he wouldn’t wake up. How he’d spent three fucking _months_ unconscious in a comma.

Even after Leo recovered well enough, he hadn’t taken it easy. Even though it had been years ago, Leo still hadn’t learned his lesson from the Invasion. He still put himself in dangerous situations when he thought he could save the family. He was still determined to pull all the dangerous stunts. If there was a bullet to be taken, he wanted to be the one to take it. If one of the others got hurt, he blamed himself.

Raph truly and deeply hated Leonardo for that.

There were just so many things Raphael had found to hate about his brother. Over the years the list had grown. Any hope of letting go of his resentment had long since evaporated in his mind. He was in too deep. There was no changing his opinion no matter how hard he tried.

But what had finally brought him to the boiling point, what made him determined to end this all _today,_ was because of what Leo was doing right now.

Sitting in the pit, glaring hatefully at his big brother, Raph had to fight off a growl. Everyone was here today. The Mutanimals, Casey and April, even Mondo Gecko. They were all just chilling, hanging out while a movie was playing. There hadn’t been much trouble lately, especially since they’d defeated the Shredder for the last time several months back. Miwa was currently the head of the Foot Clan, and she was away in Japan overseeing business. So, without any big threats to occupy their time, they were finally able to relax and waste time.

Mikey, Mondo, and Leatherhead were talking together… or rather, Mikey and Mondo were talking, Leatherhead was just sitting patiently listening to the two excitable teens. Donnie and April were talking quietly, and by the looks of it, it wasn’t a very comfortable conversation. Donnie must have tried to pull something. Rockwell and Master Splinter were quietly talking to one another, the two surprisingly close since they had both been men before their mutations, finding common ground. Casey was off playing on the pinball machine, while Pigeon Pete was there happily munching on some pizza crust sitting on the floor – the only one actually watching the movie.

And then there was Leo. Green eyes narrowed in fury as he watched Slash attempting to have a conversation with his big brother. It was no secret that Leo wasn’t exactly fond of the giant blue turtle. While civil and able to work well with the leader of the Mutanimals, Leo did not care for Slash. It was one major flaw that the Leader in Blue harbored, being unable to fully trust Slash after how much he’d hurt their family. It was unfair of him. Everyone deserved a second chance. But Leo couldn’t let go. Slash had been a walking embodiment of his nightmares. So while polite, the eldest was still wary of the old pet of the family.

Slash, on the other hand, had come to think very well of Leonardo. While at first the feelings between the two had been mutual, somewhere along the way that had changed for the larger turtle. Now whenever Raphael saw his old pet, all Slash wanted to talk about was Leo. ‘Where’s Leo today?’ ‘How’s the family, Brother? And Leo?’ ‘Are we going to team up again soon? Should I talk to Leo?’

Leo, Leo, Leo, _LEO!_

Raph was sick to death of hearing _his_ friend talk about his brother! And now the asshole was stealing _his_ friend’s attention all night. Stealing Slash when he didn’t even _like_ him.

They were talking about…leader stuff, Raph supposed. Slash was trying to compare notes or something and Leo was straining to maintain a polite air. It might have been funny to see Big Brother in such obvious pain had Raph not been so angry. Just seeing those two together it…it did something to him. His gut burned so intensely a part of Raph thought he’d puke. He hated his friend with his brother. He hated that they were siting so close together. He hated Leo for inspiring these feelings in him.

Mondo jumped on Pigeon Pete just then, causing the bird-man to squawk in indignation. The gecko’s obnoxious laughter filled the room while Mikey’s high pitched giggle’s followed. Leatherhead shook his head in amusement at the younger mutants, before excusing himself to get water. Raph watched Mondo and Pete wrestle around for a bit before turning his attention back to Leo and Slash.

Green eyes lit up in fury when he saw Slash scoot a little bit closer to Leo, one massive arm slung around Fearless on the back of the couch, his body turned towards the other leader. The act might have been mistaken as casual had there not been so much nervous tension in the blue turtle’s shoulders. If Leo noticed, he didn’t say anything about it. Instead, Fearless continued on with the conversation.

Raph hated him for that.

“Aww! Aren’t they cute?”

Startle, the red banded turtle turned to find his youngest brother beside him, eyes also locked on Slash and Leo. “What are ya yakin’ ‘bout?” he muttered, not particularly interested in anything Mikey had to say, yet his words left Raph feeling oddly shaky.

“Leo and Slash, dude!” the youngest snickered as quietly as he could. “Aren’t they cute together?”

That sick, furious feeling in his belly twisted into something truly foul. “C-cute?”

“I bet he’s finally gunna do it,” Mikey went on, either ignoring or oblivious to his older brother’s distress.

“Do what?” Raph couldn’t help ask.

“Ask him out, _duh_!” the orange banded ninja laughed. “Slash’s been crushing on Leo since, like, _forever_.”

Raph felt himself pale.

“I hope he says ‘yes’,” Mikey babbled on, clear that he didn’t know of his brother’s misery. “Chumpy needs something else to do with his time other than ninjitsu and studying about war. A boyfriend is _just_ what he needs!”

“Boy…friend?”

Snapping his eyes back onto Leo and Slash, the emerald turtle finally understood what he was seeing. The feelings that churned his stomach and burned in his chest made sense. Slash was hitting on Leo. Slash was going to ask Leo out. Slash…

Slash was going to take Leo away from him.

He felt cold. Freezing. Like he would never be warm again. It was as though his blood had been replaced with ice water. His fiery personality had finally stalled, finally tempered as he watched Leonardo sitting on the other side of the room so cool and collected. The Ice King had finally managed to do the impossible. Leo had finally snuffed out Raphael’s flame.

Hands clenched and unclenched beside his thighs and Raph’s lips were smashed together in a line. He didn’t notice how his upper lip twitched as he forcibly held in a snarl. He didn’t notice he was shaking as he watched Slash inch just a bit closer as Leo remained still.

Why wasn’t Leo moving away?!

He _hated_ him for that!

“ –ael? Dude?”

Swatting away Mikey’s well intended hand, Raph shot up to his feet. He wasn’t sure what he was going to do, just knew that he couldn’t stay in the room anymore. He was so angry, yet so cold. He just…he needed to get away from here. Needed to breathe.

As he stormed towards the entrance of the lair, he felt a hand latch onto his wrist. Spinning around, he was prepared to push whoever it was away, when he found himself drowning in oceanic eyes.

 _Fuck_.

“Raph,” Leo’s voice was a strange mix of stern and concerned. Only he could pull that off. And Raph hated it. “Where are yo –?”

He couldn’t hold it in anymore. It had to come out. If he didn’t say it now, he’d explode. He was already on the brink.

“I hate you,” he hissed for Big Brother’s ears only. Leo blinked in surprise, and Raph felt his gut twist at the open expression. “I hate you so much, I can’t even…I can’t even stand to _look_ at you right now,” he spat, before tearing his arm away from his brother and storming out of the lair.

For the first fifteen minutes or so, he just ran. Ran through the sewage passages, his home, until he found a nice place to hide away. It was cold, freezing actually, snow on the ground topside, but he couldn’t care at the moment. The coldness suited him. He was cold on the outside and inside now.

Sitting down, huddled with his knees up to his chest, he sat contemplating his life. It was distressing how much of it revolved solely around Leonardo. Groaning, he found he hated his brother for that, too.

It could have been hours, it could have been minutes, he didn’t know how long he sat there, head spinning, sick to his stomach. Without his consent, his mind kept wandering back to the lair, wondering if Slash had done it yet. Had he asked Leonardo out? Would Leo say ‘yes’? Would he be forced to watch his big brother and his best friend become something more? Something…

Something Raphael wanted?

Snarling, Raph turned and punched the wall. It was awkward from his seated position on the floor, but he needed to do it. The pain helped anchor him. The pain was a good excuse as to why there were tears suddenly swimming in his eyes.

With the possibility of watching his brother becoming happy in a relationship, only now was Raphael truthful with himself. Only now did he come to understand why he hated Leonardo so much. He hated him, hated everything Fearless did because…because he loved him. He’d always loved him, but refused to acknowledge it. Once upon a time Leo said some hurtful things in the heat of an argument, and it had only hurt so much because of how much Raph loved him. He’d wanted to hurt the older ninja back yet had lost himself and so many years to pettiness, had wasted so much time.

And now it was too late.

Now he hated _himself_ for that.

Continuing his assault on the wall, the big turtle ignored the blood and pain in his knuckles. Why? Why _now_ did he understand himself? Did the universe hate him that much? To give such a great revelation now after it was too late?

But what would have happened had he confessed to Leo, anyway? There was so much bad blood between them, Leo would never want to be with an asshole like him. And besides, they were raised as brothers for crying out loud! Incest was definitely not in Fearless’s code of honor, nor did he believe Master Splinter would approve. And if Sensei didn’t approve, Leo sure as hell wouldn’t!

Depression was setting in heavily, his carefully guarded heart breaking. Only Leo could touch him like this, hurt him so deeply. Without even trying, without having to lift a finger, Leonardo had the power to destroy him.

Always had.

Always would.

He needed to get out of here. Not just for the night, but forever. If Leonardo and Slash really ever _did_ become a couple, Raph knew he’d lose it. He wouldn’t be able to stand watching them together. Wouldn’t be able to survive seeing them so happy together, so in love.

Punching, kicking, and screaming at the wall, Raph did little other than successfully tire himself out. He slumped back down on his knees, panting harshly, eyes still filled with tears he would never shed. He’d get out of the city soon. It would do him no good to stick around. He couldn’t survive here any longer.

Leo was killing him.

“Raph?”

Startled, the large turtle jumped to his feet, fists raised and prepared for battle. From out of the shadows melted the figure of his torment.

Leonardo had come after him.

Raph wasn’t sure if he hated him for that or not.

“What ya doin’ here?” he snapped, hoping his brother didn’t hear the thickness in his voice.

Fearless frowned, eyeing him warily. “I…came to see if you were all right. You just left so suddenly…”

“Yeah? Well, did it ever occur to ya, oh wise leader, that I might wanna be alone right now?” he snapped. Reflex told him to tear Leonardo down, just as he had torn Raph down. To hurt as he had been hurt.

For all his bravado, Leo remained unimpressed. Determined. “What happened, Raph?” there was only the slightest hint of real command in the voice now. The concern was winning out. “Why…What did I do?”

“What did ya do?!” Raph shouted, getting right in the older turtle’s face, nearly hysterical. “What _didn’t_ ya do!”

The leader didn’t flinch. He didn’t move. Just as with Slash on the couch, the closer Raph got, the stiller Leonardo became. He wasn’t shying away from the attack. “Tell me what I did wrong this time,” his voice was low, gentle. It tore at Raph’s resolve to remain angry with him.

He hated Leo for that.

“Everything,” the big turtle spat, turning his back on the leader and walking on, determined to get away. “Just leave me alone, Fearless.”

“No.” A steel grip was once more on his wrist. He tried to pull out, but Leo didn’t let go. “Not until you tell me what… _this_ is.”

“Fuck off,” Raph snarled, attempting again to pull his hand away, but Leo held strong. Despite being smaller, Leo had a good grip and the stubbornness to resist.

“ _Tell_ me,” the leader demanded, eyes narrowing into chips of ice. “What’s _wrong_ with you?”

“ _You’re_ what’s wrong with me!”

“Why?!”

“Shit, Leo, I told ya I hate you! Ain’t that enough?!”

The leader’s lips pressed together in a thin line, his eye twitching. For a moment, Raph thought his brother was going to start screaming back at him. That Leo might even throw a punch. Instead, he watched in utter amazement as the fury melted from the leader’s features and was replaced with sorrow.

Blinking in shock, Raph realized that he’d done it. After all these years, he’d finally broken Leonardo. The feeling of success was hallow, bitter and disgusting.

The two teens fell silent. Leo refused to look up. Instead, after several tense minutes, Leo lifted up the hand that he was holding, examining the bloody knuckles. Raph let him. He felt too terrible to deny his brother at the moment.

With more care than he deserved, Leo carefully pulled out some bandages and a disinfectant wipe from his belt. With gentle ministration, the leader began cleaning him up, taking care of Raph after he had just hurt him so badly. Leo’s hands were cold against his.

“Why do you hate me, Raph?” his voice was quiet, far too soft to be Fearless Leader’s. “What…what did I _do_?”

Holding his breath, Raph looked away, not quite able to watch his brother as he worked. His heart was thundering in his chest, his stomach churned nauseously. There was still that hot, jealous lump in his gut, and his mind kept swirling in a chaotic symphony of confusion.

They had always been opposites, him and Leo, but there had once been a time when they worked in harmony. Like yin and yang. They were so different, and yet they… _he_ needed Leo. He needed Leo like he needed air. A day that went by without seeing his brother was torture. He had to see him, hear him, be near him. Even at their worst, he’d always been drawn to Leonardo. Leo was what gave him life.

“I hate you,” he whispered, closing his eyes as his mind tried to make sense of what he was feeling. “I hate that ya boss me around all the damn time. I hate that ya think you’re better than everyone, trainin’ all the time. I hate that ya always have to fight me. I hate…” He took a deep breath.

“I-I hate that you’re always the first one to jump in the way of danger to protect all of us.” He felt Leo’s hands slow in their work. “I hate that you’re always havin’ ta train, always studyin’ ta be better. I hate that you’re always the one ta get into trouble when we fight.”

Braving to glance up, he locked onto blue eyes that were glittering up at him in the dark tunnel, wide and searching.

“I hate how much I think about ya,” his voice dropped low. “I hate how perfect ya really are. And I hate…I hate how much I…That I actually…love you.”

The weight that had been slowly crushing Raphael for years without him ever realizing it suddenly lifted. He could _breathe_ again. It made him almost lightheaded, everything around him blurring just the slightest bit. But he focused on the pair of sapphire orbs in front of him. They were his anchor. They always had been, he recognized, and they always would be.

Leo was staring up at him, his expression still guarded, but it was clear to see the surprise in his features after such a declaration. While Leo didn’t smile, didn’t yell and scream in angry disgust, he didn’t pull away from Raph either. He just stared at his younger brother, confusion swirling in his eyes. Hurt.

Seeing the latter clearly, knowing that he was the cause of it, Raph began to pull away. He couldn’t stand to hear the leader’s rejection. Couldn’t stand to hear guilty apology about how Leo hadn’t known, that _he_ was sorry, that he just didn’t feel the same. Raph knew exactly how Leo would word his rejection. Knew his brother would ultimately twist things around until he was the one wracked with guilt, even though Leo hadn’t done anything wrong.

There was just no way Raph could deal with that right now. So pulling his now bandaged hand free, Raph turned and started walking away. He didn’t get two steps when Leo’s voice rang through the tunnels. “Stop.”

It was the tone of voice that did it. That clear command that only came out when his leader was good and truly serious about anything. The kind of tone that left _no_ room for argument. Raph’s reaction came only after years of conditioning. He could not refuse that voice, no matter how much he wanted to.

Raph heard his brother’s light steps – almost silent – coming towards him. Instead of turning him around, Leo walked in front of the hothead, his expression hard, blue eyes narrowed. For a moment the two siblings faced off, neither blinking, Raph daring Leo to mock him for his fucked up feelings, Leo daring Raph to admit this was all a lie, some kind of joke.

When neither backed down, Leo’s expression suddenly softened. Was that pity? Raph despised the idea of being pitied by Leonardo.

But he never got to ask, or snarl for that matter. Instead, the big turtle’s entire attention was suddenly captured and held when his leader lifted his hands and placed them around Raph’s face. Slowly, too slowly, Leo pulled his face down so that they were eye to eye. Once more blue eyes scrutinized green, and just when Raph felt he would die of embarrassment and shame and anger, Leo actually did something that surprised him.

He kissed him.

Raph’s brain completely and effectively shut down. Every thought, every action, every everything went blank. All feelings stalled, all emotions died, and every ounce of energy he still possessed went into feeling that kiss, categorizing it, memorizing it.

When the chaste little kiss ended, when Leo pulled back, removing his hands, he stared up at Raph with eyes he’d never quite seen before. They glittered in the shadows, sparkled with a light he might have called playful save for the darkness that hung around the edges. It was a wholly new expression Raph had never seen before, and it instantly sent fire through his veins.

A soft smile broke on the leader’s face, and he once more took Raph’s hand, the other hand, and began working to clean it. Without a word he just went about his business as if nothing had happened. As if Raph hadn’t just spilled his guts out to him and he hadn’t just kissed his younger brother for it.

When Leo started wrapping up his hand, Raph’s brain finally began functioning, and he found himself embarrassed and confused, which always translated into anger in his expression. “What the fuck was that?!” he demanded.

If Leonardo was messing with him…

“You’re an idiot,” the leader replied calmly, catching the bigger turtle off guard. “What did you do? Get into a fight with the walls?”

“Fuck that!” he snarled. “Why’d ya just –?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Leo sighed, looking up with an irritated expression.

Blinking, not quite expecting that, the red banded ninja scowled. “Guess it’s not.”

Now it was Leo’s turn to look away, a blush dusting his cheeks as he pouted his lips in annoyance. It was actually a cute expression, seeing all that bold, daring leader shit fly out the window now that he, too, had to use his words and not just actions. Sometimes they were more alike than either cared to admit.

Eventually the older turtle managed to look at Raph again, his cheek’s still a bit flushed. “I guess you could say, I…hate you, too.”

Raph stood gaping at his brother, floored, before he burst out laughing. It had been years since he’d actually laughed like this. It was the side-cramping, booming kind of laugh that hurt all over, but you just couldn’t stop. All the tension from the day, all the negativity that had been held inside for far too long finally burst free. Years of frustration and anger and bitterness just flooded out, leaving Raph doubled over, struggling to catch his breath as he continued to laugh.

When he eventually managed to compose himself somewhat, he straightened up to find Leo standing awkwardly, looking off to the side with an adorable little glare. Fearless always hated to be embarrassed, much more than anyone Raph knew.

But as cute as he was at the moment, Raph found he couldn’t leave Leo like that. Taking a step forward, he reached out one hand and gently cupped the leader’s cheek, forcing the ninja to look at him. Still chuckling, smiling down warmly at him, it was Raphael this time who leaned forward and pressed their beaks together, marveling at how nice such a thing could actually be.

When he pulled away, he kept his hand on his brother’s cheek, unable to wipe the smile from his lips. “You hate me, too, huh?” he asked, unable to stop the chuckle that bubbled up. “Shit, we’re pretty fucked up. Can’t believe I’m this happy ta hear that.”

At last a smile formed on the leader’s lips, and while his shrug was clearly attempting for the nonchalant, it failed rather adorably. That embarrassed dorky little smile did something to Raphael, making his chest feel warm, a different kind of heat than what he was used to. He decided he liked it.

“C-come on,” Leo said, taking his hand, tugging him back towards the lair. “Let’s go home.”

Not complaining, the bigger turtle followed with a sure-to-be idiotic grin on his face. He couldn’t be blamed. Not for this. Not when things had taken a complete turn-around into an unexpectedly happy ending he’d never even considered. If this was karma, he must have done some seriously awesome shit in his life to deserve this.

Half way home, however, the smile slipped from Raph’s face as a very great thought struck him. “What about Slash?” he blurted, stopping dead in his tracks.

Turning around to face him, Leo frowned. “What about him?”

Staring at Leo incredulously, wanting to ask about all the flirting he’d witnessed tonight by the blue turtle, Raph snapped is mouth shut when he really looked into his brother’s eyes. Despite being the most in tune with the world and universe around him, despite being the most self-aware of the teens, there were some things that Leonardo simply did not and could not grasp. Romance being one of them. While he’d tried in the past, Leo simply was not as emotional as the younger three turtles. Donnie was the romantic through and through, and Mikey was the most emotional. Raphael, too, was better connected with his emotions in that he expressed what he felt most of the time, even if he couldn’t explain _why_ he was feeling what he was.

Leonardo, on the other hand, seemed to have a more basic set of emotions. He was either happy or sad, content or irritated, worried or relaxed. Romance was a bit out of his zone of comfort. Sure, he’d had crushes before, but it was only because _he_ was the one focused on a person, not the other way around. It never would occur to the ninja that perhaps other people were looking at him in such a light, too. Such thoughts did not serve in ninja training, therefore didn’t have a proper place in Leonardo’s mind.

So while Raph had been getting worked up all night watching Slash flirt, he realized he’d honestly had nothing to worry about. Because Leo didn’t really understand flirting. Fearless hadn’t moved away from Slash’s advances because he hadn’t understood what they were. He didn’t read them the same as anyone else in the world might. Had Leo known, Raph was pretty sure his brother would have run the other way, but the thought of the big blue turtle _liking_ him had simply not crossed the younger leader’s mind.

And not wanting to be the one to bring up the topic, not wanting to give Leo options when they’d just confessed their mutual understanding of one another, Raph shrugged. “Never mind. Not important.”

The leader eyed him warily, but thankfully let it pass. He never did like talking about Slash more than need be.

Mentally Raphael made plans on telling his friend about the new…whatever this was he had with Leo, wanting to let the big guy down gently. He might have resented his friend a bit for his feeling towards Leo, but Raph still liked the guy. He didn’t want to hurt the other mutant more than necessary.

So hand in hand, they walked home together. By the time they returned to the lair, everyone was slowing down. Splinter had obviously retired for the evening and Rockwell was either in a spare room or had gone home. Pete was passed out on the floor in a pile of bread crumbs in front of the T.V. by Mondo, while Mikey was snuggled next to Leatherhead, fast asleep. Donnie had fallen asleep with his laptop on his lap, head back on the couch on the other side of Mikey, while Casey and April were curled up with each other – Raph would have to ask about that tomorrow. Slash was still there, sprawled out on one of the couches, snoring.

When the other two teens entered back inside, only Leatherhead was awake. The alligator turned to look at them. Their clasped hands didn’t go unnoticed by the old mutant, who smiled at them fondly, before settling down, allowing Michelangelo to continue using him as a pillow, while carefully extracting Donnie’s laptop from his lap so it wouldn’t get broken while he slept.

Glancing down, Raph found Leo smiling softly at their friends and family, before tugging on his hand. Curious, the bigger turtle followed, surprised when his brother led him to his room. After shutting the door, Leo turned to look his younger brother up and down, blue eyes dark.

Without a word, Leo started undressing, pulling off gear and weapons. When he was in nothing but his mask, Raph felt his heart beating wildly against his plastron. Slowly, nimble hands went up and untied Leo’s mask, before it was set on the side table. Raph’s eyes were trained on the other turtle exclusively as he crawled into bed. Once settled, the leader turned to look at Raph, a thoughtful expression on his face. “Stay?” His voice was quiet, but held so much in the simple question.

Feeling his mouth go dry, Raph was quick to walk the rest of the way inside the room, pulling off his own gear and throwing it on the floor in his haste to join Leo in the bed. Stumbling over and pulling back the covers, he jumped in, settling himself beside his brother. With a slightly knowing smile on his lips, Leo pushed him down before carefully lying next to him, his hand on Raph’s plastron. Instantly Raph wrapped his arm around the older ninja.

Everything was quiet, the two getting used to the oddness of being so close to one another like this. No fighting. No screaming. Just…them.

It was nice, and Raph found himself wanting more.

“Raph?”

“Hmm?” he grunted, a bit irritated that he was so tired.

“I…I love you, too. I really do.”

Another cheesy smile found its way onto the hothead’s lips hearing the confession. “Yeah. I know,” he reassured. And feeling brave, leaned over and kissed the top of his brother’s head. “G’night, Leo.”

“Goodnight.”

And settling in for the first time beside the sibling who had always hurt him the most, Raph found he’d never felt so hopeful for tomorrow to come.


	5. Impulse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raph makes a very big mistake...or is it?

He’d done it. He’d finally done it. After dreaming about it for so long, after pining, _aching_ to do it, he’d done it.

And what was more, he wanted to do it _again._

Mostly he wanted to do it again because it hadn’t been pretty. No, in fact Raphael cringed as he recalled what he’d done, horrified over the event and wished it had never happened. If he could do it all over again, he’d have done it in private, away from everything. From _everyone_. That is, _if_ he would do it all over again and not just stop himself from making a complete fool of himself.

But no, he and his _brilliant_ mind just _had_ to do it right _then_.

Groaning, burying his face into his arms, pulling his knees up closer to his chest, Raph wanted to die. How could he have let this happen? How could he have been so _stupid_?! He knew he had a temper, his control was shoddy at best, but _this_? What the fuck was _wrong_ with him?!

It had been a mistake. That was all. He hadn’t _really_ meant to do it. Sure, dreaming about it, wishing it would happen didn’t mean that he necessarily truly wanted it in real life. No, he’d been fine before, fine to live his entire life in the dark, never knowing what it would be like. He’d never actually wanted it because even he knew that if he got the slightest taste, he’d want it again. And again. And _again_.

“Fuck me,” he groaned miserably.

How could he be so stupid?! How could he have just…just… _kissed_ Leonardo like that?!

He shuddered as the scene replayed once more in his mind. One minute they had been sparring, he and Leo verses Mikey and Donnie. The winning team then dueled each other. Of course he and Leo had wiped the floor with their younger siblings. Everything had been going smoothly, Raph had actually been in a good mood. When it came time for him and his elder brother to spar, however, a few well-placed taunts from the peanut gallery – aka Mikey’s loud-ass mouth – changed his mood considerably.

As he’d watched Leo chuckle at a few of their younger brother’s rather creative insults, all the control and calm Raph had possessed previously evaporated. Their fighting became intense and it was only because of his loss of control that Leo had ended as victor. Of course one smirk from him as he’d oh-so-graciously offered Raph a hand up had set the turtle off.

He couldn’t even remember what he’d started shouting, just that he’d been nasty about it. His aggression was sparked, and instead of swallowing down the anger, he’d allowed it to consume him. It was not a surprise that Leo started arguing back, that sexy little smirk of his turning into a dark scowl.

They got right up in each other’s faces, yelling at one another, and even with how furious he was, Raph couldn’t help but notice how beautiful his brother really was. He always looked great, but it was only when they argued that Raph saw the storm that was carefully hidden away. Leo liked to pretend that he was the picture of serenity, that he was always calm and collected, always in control. But when he argued with Raph, when they raised their voices, blue eyes flashed with something hot and passionate, something that Raphael had fantasied about more than once in his life.

It was in that moment, when he’d seen Leo’s eyes light up with that dark, ardent fervor, when he was right in his face, all snarls and emotion, that Raphael had done it. He couldn’t stop himself. Right there in the dojo, on impulse, in front of Donnie, Mikey, and even Master Splinter, he’d leaned forward and crashed his lips to his brother’s.

It hadn’t lasted long, not nearly long enough despite having felt like an eternity. He’d just leaned in and kissed him, his arms snaking around the other turtle’s body, pulling him close, wanting so much more than he got. Leo must have been stunned, because even in his fevered state of need and anger, Raph knew the kiss had lasted for a good ten seconds before he began to feel resistance from his brother. It was only when he felt the older ninja struggle to get free that he realized what he was doing, and where, and with everyone watching.

Horrified, he’d pulled himself back, releasing the leader from his hold, before staring at his brother in amazement. Leo gaped back, eyes wide, too many emotions flashing across his face, giving Raph no hope of ever being able to decipher them. The dojo had gone completely silent, and feeling all the eyes on him, watching as Leo’s face slowly transformed into something frightened, he hadn’t stuck around to find out everyone else’s reaction.

Like a coward, he’d run. The shame, the horror, the fear had been too much. He had to get away.

His first choice had been running completely out of the sewers, going topside and hopefully finding some nice alley to curl up in to die. But it was pouring outside, and as much as he hated to admit it, even Raph knew how stupid it was to go out right now. Instead he’d run from the lair and raced through the twisting tunnels, wanting to hide himself away with the rest of the filth in New York.

Now here he was, sitting on the edge of some huge pipe above a drop off, trying not to let the extra rain water slosh the sewage up and get him any grimier than he already was. It was freezing and he shivered from the cold, but also the memory of what he’d done. It had been several hours since he’d run from home and he dearly hoped no one was out looking for him. He didn’t want to be found for one, didn’t want to face his family, but he also didn’t want them to be out on such a miserable night. It was getting close to winter and the rain was icy.

Trapped in his tormented regret, knowing that he honestly wasn’t all that sorry he had kissed his brother, just sorry for the moment he’d done it, Raph never heard the approaching footsteps. His senses were absolutely dead at the moment. The entire sewer tunnels could have collapsed and he wouldn’t have noticed. So he was startled almost out of his shell when a figure came and sat beside him.

For one horrifying moment he thought it was Leo, just because of anyone in their family, Leo was always the one that found him. But he was both relieved and terrified when he saw that it was Master Splinter.

Raphael stubbornly looked down, unable to meet his father’s eyes, too ashamed. Instinctively he curled farther in on himself, trying to protect himself from the onslaught of emotions and any physical attacks his father might administer. The turtle wouldn’t blame his father if he did strike him. It was wrong of Raph to have kissed his brother like that, wrong for him to even harbor such feelings. His actions were despicable and completely inappropriate. He was an idiot for forgetting that for even a minute.

The two ninja sat in silence, neither saying a word, just listening to the sound of rushing water as it continued to wash away the filth of the city. With the other body beside him, Raph could feel the heat coming off his mammalian sensei, it offering just the faintest hint of warmth for the cold, stiff reptile. Immediately the younger male felt guilty for the comforting feeling. He didn’t deserve it, didn’t deserve to be happy or to feel good.

Unable to keep quiet, wanting to get the chastisement over, hear his sentence so he could perhaps start looking for a new home, Raph broke the stalemate between them. “Where’s Leo?”

He winced as the words tumbled out. He hadn’t wanted to bring the older turtle up at all, but his brain just wasn’t following commands today. Green eyes remained fixed on his knees, even as he felt his father regarding him. “He is back at the lair, in his room.”

“The others?”

“They are also back at the lair.”

Raph felt an immense wave of sorrow fill him. His own siblings had been too disgusted and angry to look for him. They hadn’t cared that he was gone, were probably back at home offering comfort to Leo, who was more than likely in the bathroom throwing up and scrubbing his lips. Raph knew that if he’d been assaulted like that he’d probably feel the need to take a blistering hot shower, to wash the revulsion away.

Sensei had probably only come to deliver the message that Raphael was not to return home. Probably just here to make sure he understood that he was no longer welcome. The thought of never going back, of never seeing his brothers again hurt worse than anything Raph had ever felt. But he couldn’t exactly blame any of them or his father for not wanting him back. After all, this was _his_ fault and no one else’s. For once, he couldn’t blame Leo.

After a pause, Splinter was the one to speak. “Raphael…why did you kiss Leonardo?”

The gentleness was not what he had been expecting, and it nearly had the turtle in tears. But if he thought about it, the others deserved some kind of explanation. Maybe if he hadn’t run, if he’d thought it all through and had played his cards differently, he could have passed this all off as insanity. It was tempting to try now, but he knew he’d ruined that excuse when he’d run. Only the guilty ever ran.

Shrugging his shoulders slightly, the teen replied in a near whisper, “I don’t know.”

Sensei stroked his beard thoughtfully. “You do not know, or you do not wish to tell me?”

Angry, frustrated tears pricked his eyes as he continued to glare down at his knee pads. “I don’t know,” he repeated stubbornly.

There was a sigh before a hand was suddenly on his shoulder. Startled by the warmth, Raph looked up into his father’s face for the first time. Instead of anger or disgust as he would have thought, there was only compassion and concern.

Master Splinter…wasn’t mad?

“Let us go home, my son,” the rat mutant urged, further stunning the younger ninja. “It is getting late.”

“Yer not kickin’ me out?” Raph blurted, unsure how he should feel.

His father only frowned. “Why would I kick you out?”

This was too much.

“Because of what I did!” Raph exploded, glaring before his expression crumbled into guilty desperation. “I _kissed_ Leonardo!” his voice bounced loudly off the cement walls. “I-I _wanted_ to kiss ‘im! He’s my own _brother_ , and that’s disgusting! It’s _wrong_! Why would ya want me back home?!”

The rat’s brow knit together thoughtfully, stroking his beard with agitated tugs. “So you believe I should banish you from home because you harbor a particular sentiment towards your older brother? And you believe it is wrong that you should feel this way?”

Raph felt the vein in his head about ready to explode as he stared incredulously at his father. “IT _IS_ WRONG!” he screamed in his master’s face. “Brothers _aren’t_ supposed to fall in love with their brothers! That’s just…just…gross!”

“I see. And if you know this, feel this way, then why do you continue to harbor such attraction towards Leonardo?” Splinter asked calmly.

“BECAUSE I…” the younger ninja trailed off, feeling confused and sad and sick. “I-I don’t know,” he admitted, feeling the tears sting his eyes again. “I just don’t know. I-I’ve tried _everything_ t-ta stop. Ta hate ‘im, but I…I just…can’t.” He groaned. “I’m so messed up.”

The hand returned to his shoulder, dragging Raph out of his self-imposed torture. “Come home, my son,” Splinter repeated kindly. “We all need rest. In the morning we can discuss what has happened.”

All the fight in Raphael was drained away by his father’s comforting presence and reassuring words. He was going to go home. His father was welcoming him back, even after making the worst mistake of his life. The relief he felt was so profound, a few tears actually slipped past his guard. Wiping them away hastily, he stood stiffly and flinched only slightly when his father wrapped an arm around his shoulder. Together, the two made their way through the sewers and back to the lair.

The trip back was silent, neither offering anymore words. Raph was grateful, not certain he could speak with so many emotions raging through his system.

When they entered the lair things were…quiet. The T.V. wasn’t on, and the kitchen lights were off. Mikey was either in his room or in the lab. The same could be said of Donnie. As Master Splinter had said before, Leo was in his room. The distinct lack of noise and not seeing a trace of any of his siblings made Raph wonder if he was more relieved or disheartened.

Glancing up at his father, who offered a gentle look, the teen decided to do as he was told for once and went to his room. Quickly closing the door behind him, he locked it, not wanting anyone to intrude. While a part of him had wanted to see and hear his brothers, that didn’t mean he wanted to actually be near them or interact. He especially didn’t want to be anywhere close to Leonardo. He didn’t trust himself or his brother at the moment. He had enough sense, at least, to want to keep from getting stabbed with a katana.

Flopping down on the bed, pulling his pillow out from underneath him to instead plop over his head, Raph groaned. He really hated himself. But that apparently didn’t mean he couldn’t sleep. Almost instantly, even though he was still fully dressed, he fell into an exhausted slumber.

**oOoOoOoOo**

Strangely enough, things had gone back to normal fairly quickly around the Hamato Lair after a family meeting the next day. For Donnie and Mikey, the whole ‘kissing’ episode was just that, an episode to be pushed back – _far_ back – into their minds to be completely forgotten. The majority of the family believed that the kiss had been nothing more than misdirected instinct that had been turned on by the aggressive display between the two oldest turtles, which the genius of the family thought to be caused by Raph’s more animal-like disposition. In a sense, it was as though he believed he had felt the need to fight in order to mate…or something like that. Really, Raph hadn’t listened too closely to the nerd-babble, sort of disgusted to hear that they truly might be more subjected to their baser instincts than even humans. But the fact that Donnie could logic away the issue made things easier. The only thing that truly came of the incident was the genius’s renewed interest in their physiology and hormones.

Since Donnie was more or less unfazed by the kiss, Mikey didn’t stress about it. Instead, he decided to conduct his own study of their instincts by directing his attention to oogling celebrities while watching movies, determined to ‘study’ all things romantic. And by ‘study’ that meant he basically just used Donnie’s excitement to justify watching a marathon of rom-com all weekend. Each movie was basically exactly the same as the others only they switched names of characters and maybe location. Most were in New York with an underworked, underappreciated, unnoticed heroine and a surprisingly single good looking man coming to rescue her from her desperately lonely life of impending cat-lady-hood. It was enough to make Raph sick.

Leo, for his part, didn’t say much about the kiss, nor was he swept up in romantic interest. Instead the leader would sit quietly in the pit, not really watching movies with Mikey, or would meditate either in the dojo or in his room. Whenever Raph was in the same room with him, punching his dummy by the pit or lifting weights in the dojo, Leo never actually got up and left or anything, didn’t even pay the hothead much mind. While the air was a little weird between them, it _definitely_ could have been worse. Leo was apparently still chewing on Donnie’s explanation and would in no time forget all about the impulsive kiss from his brother.

The thought left Raph strangely sad.

A few days later found the Hamato family all clustered in the pit for family movie night. Unfortunately it was Mikey’s pick, and still stuck in his romantic phase, he chose _Pride and Prejudice._ Donnie had little interest in the story beyond it being a literary classic and a good example of life in England around the early 1800s, so he said nothing of the choice. Master Splinter, tragically, was a bit of a romantic at heart and liked the drama of the film and the costuming. It was so different from the classic Japanese films that it held his interest. While Leo would never admit it, they all knew he liked this story. They watched the newest adaptation even though everyone knew the leader preferred the mini-series with Colin Firth – and Raph despaired at the fact that he actually _knew_ the name of that flouncy British man – but for once, Leonardo wasn’t complaining or snidely pointing out difference between this film and the series. Mikey, of course, was just shoving popcorn in his mouth throughout the entire production, able to enjoy anything.

Sitting beside Donnie, Raph had to fight groaning too much throughout the movie. It was probably just about the worst thing he’d ever watched. And while it pained him to admit, even to himself, Raph had to side with Leo on this one. He’d seen snippets here and there of the mini-series throughout the years whenever Mikey or Leo would watch it on occasion, and decided that the series was better. The movie moved too quickly with too many dramatic events happening in too short of time. At least that crappy series spread out the melodramatic shit, making it more bearable…if a little drier.

 _Am I seriously reviewing_ Pride and Prejudice _to myself?!_ The thought was horrifying, so he promptly shut down all train of thought.

For a while he simply sat staring at the screen, watching as the hotheaded Elizabeth acted like a rash idiot though all the time gaining the attention of the cold Mr. Darcy, who was a stuck-up prick. They made _such_ a lovely couple, one being an overemotional moron, the other so emotionally constipated it actually looked like he was in pain. Why the hell did women – and Leo and Mikey apparently – like these movies anyway? People who were that different couldn’t _really_ get together in real life! They’d kill each other!

Sighing, Raph chanced a glance over at his big brother. He sat beside Master Splinter, eyes on the screen, but the second oldest could tell his brother wasn’t actually watching. There was this distant expression on his face, one that bespoke of inattention. Which was weird, because Leo was usually the one that wanted to watch this crap.

Of all his family’s reactions to the kiss, Leo’s had been the one that Raph had been most worried about…well, his and Master Splinter. But really, Leo hadn’t done or acted weirdly since that first day. Once more becoming his normal, arrogant, commanding, cold, pain-in-the-ass self as he’d always been. He still led them on patrols, still barked out orders, and even helped with their training in the dojo. He wasn’t afraid – or at least didn’t show it – to be alone with Raph.

While granted, it had been on impulse, Raph had put himself out there. He’d shown Leo exactly how he’d felt about him in the most public way possible. That even though he drove the younger turtle crazy, even though he made the hothead madder than anyone else ever could, Raph loved him despite all that. He wanted to be with Leo. He struggled so hard not to love him, to remember all of the asshole’s bad qualities, but he never could. Not fully. Fearless made him do rash and stupid things in the heat of the moment, brought out so much passion in Raph.

He’d kissed his brother in front of their entire family!

And now Leo was pretending it never happened.

The lack of true response, the fact that he was acting like nothing had changed between them at all, actually left the younger turtle sick. He’d put himself out there, whether any of them had actually understood the intent or not, and he’d been shot down. The frostiness of the leader’s manners was almost worse than having him punch or scream at Raph or even just plain laugh in his face. The lack of emotion in his response to the younger turtle was…heartbreaking.

But it really was for the best, Raph supposed. Why the hell would he _want_ Leo to reciprocate his misguided feelings? It was screwed up enough that he fell in love with someone who was raised as his brother, whom he had believed to be his brother for a long time. And besides just the general fucked up-idness of the entire situation, why would he want to be with _Leo_? Because, seriously! If they ever got together, it would never work. They fought enough as it was without adding lust or other shit-tastic emotions into the mix.

When the movie _finally_ ended, the family dispersed to go their separate ways for the night. Master Splinter excused himself to meditate before bed. Donnie, of course, slinked off to the lab to do whatever the hell he was working on at the moment, while Mikey searched for another movie. Raph was thinking about staying depending on the movie and debating on whether or not to just go to his room. Glancing over at the other side of the couch, Leo was still sitting staring at the screen. Did he even realize that the movie was over?

“Yo, Fearless!” he called, watching as the older turtle startled. He smirked. “Ever comin’ back down ta Earth?”

As expected, Leo rolled his eyes before getting up. With only a ‘goodnight’ to the younger turtles, he left and walking up the stairs to his room. When he was gone, Mikey giggled nervously.

“What’s with him?” the youngest asked before turning his attention back to finding a movie.

Shrugging, Raph found he’d lost interest in sticking around. “No idea,” he muttered as he stood and made his way to his own room.

When he entered, he slammed the door shut and flopped down in his hammock, wondering if he should try to sleep or think of something to do. He’d found that vintage magazine of _Modern Ninja_ the other day that he hadn’t gotten around to reading. That was always an option to look through. Or he could listen to music and let his mind wander enough to fall asleep.

Decision made, he was about to grab for the magazine, when there came a knock at his door. Confused and a bit irritated that someone wanted to disturb him in his down time, Raph hauled himself up to his feet to answer the door. If it was Mikey, he swore he’d tear his head off. The brat always came to _him_ when he wanted someone to watch movies with. There was no way he could stand to sit through another ridiculous romantic comedy!

But it came as a surprise when he opened the door and it wasn’t Mikey, but Leo. All harsh words died on Raph’s tongue as he stared at his brother, wondering what on earth he could want with him at the moment. It was too late for patrol. An emergency? No, just by looking at Leo without his katana or gear let him know it wasn’t anything like that. Maybe he was going to say something about training for tomorrow? Seriously, did the guy ever give it a break with the whole ‘responsible leader’ shtick?

But Leo didn’t seem like he came here to talk about serious leader stuff. Once more he seemed distracted, like even though he had come here and knocked on Raph’s door, his mind wasn’t on Raph at all. He was lost in his own little Leo world. This was unusual for the older turtle unless something was really bothering him. Because like Donnie, Leo was just as capable of getting lost in his own head.

Deciding to get on with it, he asked gruffly, “Yeah?”

Jerking out of his thoughts, the older turtle at least had the decency to look sheepish for his lack of attention. “Sorry,” he muttered before staring down at his feet. “Can I, uh, come in?”

That…wasn’t such a good idea. Even Raph knew that. Having Leo so close, especially after the incident from the other day was just an explosion waiting to happen. While the family was easy to dismiss Raph’s feelings for Leonardo, passing them off as some odd animalistic instinct, they _weren’t_. Not entirely. Because no matter how much Raph tried to deny it, even to himself, to talk himself out of his feelings, he _did_ have them. Leo held a special place in his heart, one that no one else could fill.

And having him so close, _alone_ after the other day would hurt more than Raph cared to admit.

“Just tell me what ya want?”

It was supposed to come out as an irritated snarl, but actually sounded tired to his ears. He just wanted to lay down and forget. He didn’t want anymore mind games. No more thinking. It was time to turn off his brain and get some rest.

Apparently Leo hadn’t counted on not being admitted in, and he stared up at his brother with surprise. Panic? It was such an unusual look for Fearless that it took the younger turtle by surprise. “Leo?”

And before Raph could have said anything else, he found himself toppling over backwards, almost crashing down to the floor, Leonardo attached to the front of him. But not just with the hands that were gripping the sides of Raph’s arms painfully, but with his _mouth_. Leonardo was…kissing him?

Reality must have come back to the turtle as Leo immediately let go, as if burned, pushing himself away from his brother to stare at Raphael. The leader’s entire face darkened into a blush, embarrassed, mortified at himself, and hope all shining brightly in his eyes. But for the life of him, all Raph could do was stand there like an idiot, gaping.

Letting out a breath that might have been a laugh, might have been a sob, Leo scratched the back of his head, unable to meet his brother’s eye anymore. “U-uh…Night.” And like a bolt, Leonardo ran down the hall to his room.

His brain slowly rebooting, before Raph even knew what he was doing, he rushed after his brother, just managing to catch the door before the leader could slam it shut and lock it. There was no time for hesitation, no time for thinking. Forcing himself into Leonardo’s room, Raph locked the door behind him before grabbing the other turtle, crashing into him again.

“I’m not done with you yet!” he snarled, diving in, never quite so happy as when Leonardo hastily pushed him back onto the bed.


	6. Return

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After many years, Raphael and Leonardo find one another again.  
> SAINW

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Interestingly enough, this was also a story idea I was playing around with before I decided to focus my attention on 'Losing Leo'. Maybe one day I'll get around to messing with this again? Eh, who knows. 
> 
> Anyway, be ware of FEELS and SADNESS!

How could things have gotten so bad?

Gazing out over the broken sea of desolation, the shining visage that had once been New York City was no more. Skyscrapers lay in toppled ruin, decimated vehicles sitting forgotten and rusted upon crumbling freeways. Grime from debris and fires that still blazed from buildings constantly collapsing clogged the air, a perpetual grey smog hanging over the city, blotting out the sun.

And it was all his fault.

Closing his eye, pushing away too painful memories that still plagued his mind, the large terrapin hardened his heart, continuing on his way. He was on no missions save the ones he gave himself. Every day he scouted new areas of wreckage in attempt to find survivors. The Shredder’s reach had grown long over the years, his control spreading throughout the East Coast, having little concern for people. Any survivors where either rounded up and placed into work camps or torn apart by patrol bots. Raphael had failed in just about every other way, he refused to sit by and do nothing if someone needed his help now.

It was nearing night, the grey slowly blackening. It would be another hour or so before he wouldn’t be able to see a thing. Any light that might be used to help purge the darkness would only attract the Foot bots while out in the open. Searching would resume tomorrow. He was just about to call it quits and head for what passed as a camp in a hallowed out portion of what had probably been an office building that had collapsed, when a figure approached through the gloom.

 _Sai_ were out and in hand almost instantly, more from instinct than fear of threat. From the way the figure moved, Raphael could tell it wasn’t a Foot bot. It lacked the certainty in its motions, and it was incorrectly shaped. It could be a survivor, but the turtle waited stalk still as it continued its careful approach. While it might not be a Foot bot, that didn’t mean that the thing was friendly either. It could be one of those damn rebels, lost from one of their ridiculous scouting missions, or it could be some rogue like him, neither affiliated with Shredder’s forces or the rebellion.

And so he waited. As the figure approached, the shape slowly became more recognizable. Familiar. Every muscle in Raphael’s body stiffened as the well-known presence cautiously picked its way ever closer. The long black trench coat covered the form almost completely, while a pair of rounded sunglasses covered the eyes. There was very little green exposed save around the face, and the hilts of the katana, once proud red and gold, had long since been blackened.

But none of that mattered to Raphael as he stood frozen in place, throat closing, as he watched the last person he thought he’d ever see again coming his way.

_Leo…_

When they were roughly twenty-five yards away from one another, Leonardo’s stumbling shuffle ceased. He stood tall, perfectly erect, the wind blowing his long trench coat, before quick as a flash, katana were in hand, posture defensive. Raphael watched, amazed, as his body tensed waiting for a fight.

The two stood silently, so close, yet so far from one another. Weapons were poised in calloused hands, yet neither moved. The wind whistled as the tension built. Uncertainty hung between them, nervousness, and the beginnings of frustrated anger.

“I know you’re there,” his voice whispered along in the wind, a deceptively gentle caress to the ears. It had been far too long since Raphael had last heard that voice.

Tears stung his remaining eye, a sob wanting to force itself from up his throat, but Raphael refused to let it. Finally out of shock, the large turtle stumbled forward. His movements could have been quiet, nearly silent, but out of some form of respect – he wasn’t even sure what kind – he allowed his steps to be heavy. He wanted Leonardo to hear him coming. He didn’t want to surprise him.

The moment he heard movement, Leonardo spun towards the source of the sound, katana still in hand, waiting stiffly for the other to come. Perhaps it would have been wise, certainly would have been for the best, if he announced himself, but Raphael couldn’t find his voice. Just seeing him again… so many feelings were stirred up, he wasn’t certain what would have come from his lips had he dared voice a sound.

As he drew closer, he made sure to slowly, loudly sheathing his _sai_. Leonardo’s head cocked slightly to the side at the noise, whether consciously or not, and it was clear he was concentrating on Raphael. Of them all, the elder turtle had always been the most talented fighting in the dark, had always had the best senses. How much better had he gotten now, forced to rely on all but sight?

He was only about five feet from him, and only then did Leonardo’s defensive posture crack. Slowly, painfully slowly, the other turtle stood up a bit straighter, katana cautiously lowering. Up close, Raphael could see that the years had been hard on the old leader. Where once there was confidence and hope, was now only wariness and bitter acceptance. There were more scars littering his face and Raphael was quite certain there were more other places he could not see. Yet to his eye, even after perceiving the hardness in Leonardo’s features and the shallowness of his cheek, he was beautiful.

Still.

Always.

“R-Raph?” his voice quivered. “Raphael?”

Without another thought, the red banded turtle threw himself at Leonardo, hugging him close, devouring his lips. Regret, fear, pain, loss, longing, everything poured out of him in that one searing kiss. He held his brother flush against him, never wanting to let go. He’d been an utter fool to let him go, but not again. Never again. He couldn’t bear it. He wouldn’t survive.

Despite the bitter anger between them, they clung to each other helplessly, kissing desperately as though if they stopped, the world would be lost. How long had Raphael yearned for this? How many nights did he wake up devastated, realizing Leonardo was no longer with him? That he was gone? Forever?

When the two finally pulled away, Raphael took a moment to drink in the sight of his lover. A soft smile the elder would never see graced the big turtle’s lips, and before he could stop himself, Raphael was nuzzling Leonardo’s neck with his beak. A divine churr was pulled from the elder’s throat, sending fire pulsing through the larger ninja’s veins.

Nipping at the neck, one hand snaking up from around his waist to run thick fingers over his cheek and lips, Raphael rumbled hotly, “Come with me.”

The shudder that ran through Leonardo’s body was gorgeous, a churr of appreciation emanating from the big turtle’s chest. Raphael pulled away just enough to watch the other ninja sheathed his katana. Once the swords were away, he was right back in front of his lover, kissing along his neck, biting. A moan drew up from the former leader’s throat, and Raphael knew what his answer would be.

Taking his hand, Raphael led his lover to his camp. The going was slower than it might have been had it just been Raphael. The way was rough and he had to make sure Leonardo wouldn’t trip. No words passed between them, but none were truly needed. Neither wished for the mood to be broken by a careless thought.

When they finally made it, Raphael led his lover deep within the building, and started a small fire. Gently he pushed Leonardo down on the collection of blankets he still possessed. The sight of him there, slowly sitting down atop the blankets, willingly setting aside his weapons, took Raphael’s breath away. The fact that he was here, that he had come with Raphael at all after everything that had happened, was nothing short of amazing.

Leaning down on top of him, another rumbling churr crawled up the younger’s throat as he began kissing. “Damn,” he whispered against Leonardo’s throat as he sighed. “Yer so… beautiful.”

And he meant it. There was nothing quite as wondrous to him as Leonardo. How someone could be so lovely yet deadly. How he had been so innocent, yet worldly. The world had certainly taken its hits on him, the once optimistic and caring leader of their siblings was gone, leaving behind a worn, harsh figure in his place. Yet as Raphael kissed him now, as he listened to his throaty moans and breathy churrs, he saw glimpses of the boy he had fallen in love with quite against his own will so many years ago. Leo was still there, in this battle beaten veteran.

His Leo.

Before either of them knew it, their coats were off, Raphael’s bandana and Leonardo’s glasses. Even clouded over and sightless, one eye starting to wander slightly towards the center, the blue orbs were still beautiful. The once shadowy darkness was now a bit lighter, a bit greyer, but still as expressive and turbulent as ever. They still held the same mysteries, the same dangerous adventure that made Raphael want to stare into them forever. How perfect he was, even now, even scarred and nearly broken.

Perfect.

When he was sheathed inside of his lover, Leonardo’s sharp gasp and strong grip on his arms had Raphael stilling. How he had missed this. The warmth, the tightness, but most of all, the _completion_. It had felt as though he’d been living these past years without an arm. He’d been crippled without Leonardo, without touching him, feeling him, hearing his voice.

Without consent, tears streamed from his remaining eye. Everything was just so intense. The physical sensations, the emotional. Leonardo was here. Right here with him. He was in his arms, Raphael heard him, smelled him, felt him. After all these years he was here with Raphael, at this moment, moving with him, allowing the younger to penetrate him, kissing him, and wrapping his legs around Raphael, wanting more.

How lovely he was. Especially in these moments, when he held nothing back. When he took just as much as he gave.

It didn’t last long. How could it? They were both so wound up from everything that had wordlessly passed between them. Neither had anticipated finding the other today, or ever again, and to suddenly come across them…There were too many feelings, too many sensations. Raphael came with a roar, Leonardo letting out a low moan as he lay under his lover trembling.

He didn’t get off of the elder turtle immediately, spent and sated and tired. Leonardo didn’t push him away. Instead, shaky hands traced up his arms, leaving trails of fire in their wake, until they came to Raphael’s face. Tenderly Leonardo stroked his lover’s cheeks before gentle fingers began outlining the ridges and curves of the face. Raphael allowed him, wanting him to ‘see’. The probes went all along his face, his head, before landing on his neck and rubbing away any lasting tension that might have gathered there.

A sigh escaped the massive terrapin as he slowly, reluctantly rolled off of his lover, keeping him firmly within his grasp. Leonardo allowed himself to be guided and pulled until he was wrapped around Raph as he laid on his shell. The feeling of his head resting on the crook of his shoulder, his arm around him, brought a smile to the large turtle’s lips, causing him to lean over and kiss the jade temple.

They talked about the future after that. Or at least Raphael did. He couldn’t stop himself. Just seeing Leonardo again, being with him, it made the hothead believe that things could get better. That they _would_ get better. Leonardo was here with him now. As long as he had him, he was complete. He could do anything.

Talking gave way to more love making, more tender yet more desperate. Raphael did not understand it. Leonardo’s actions felt despairing, and he could not fathom why. Was he still in doubt of Raphael’s feelings? That this was real? He encouraged the older ninja as they made love, touched him gently, kissed him, pouring everything he had into his actions. Quiet, secret whispers for his ears only passed over Raphael’s lips, murmuring words of affection he would normally never say.

“I love you.”

Afterwards, when they were once more curled up against one another, enfolded in each other’s arms, exhausted, Raphael felt his lover shaking. He was crying, his silent tears warm and wet on Raphael’s chest. And he held Leonardo as he wept, the stress of the last several years finally leaving the former leader’s body, Raphael supposed. He himself had cried too that night. It was a beautiful night, one of reintroduction and new beginnings together. They would purge themselves of the anguished past separated, focus now on one another. Forever.

Sleep stole over the tired turtles, and Raphael wasn’t sure he’d ever slept so well in his life. Certainly the best he had in the last several years. His body was completely relaxed and he felt so at peace, a smile on his face. Having his lover in his arms as he slept, feeling his warmth was the greatest sensation in the world. The completion left him truly sated and honestly happy.

But hours later, when the sun was beginning to rise and the blackness had once again given way to grey, Raphael woke cold.

And very much alone.

Sitting up in a panic, he searched for his lover, only to discover that he was gone. There was no trace of him save the scent of their nightly activities to haunt him. The blankets beside him were cold. But unable to believe that Leonardo was really gone, he stood and looked around the building, running out into the open without his coat or mask.

When the frosty, dusty air hit him, he was met with nothing but grey. The area was as silent as the grave, the only sights those of the demolished buildings and broken pieces of the city. The dark figure he’d seen in the distance yesterday was nowhere in sight. There was no sound, nothing to suggest that there was any life here save himself.

As unexpectedly as he had returned, Leonardo was gone.

His Leo was gone.

Hurt, betrayal, and sorrow warred within him, fighting for dominance as his eye roved about the city wildly. He couldn’t believe it. Had he dreamt the entire night? But no, Leonardo’s scent still lingered on Raphael’s skin, his kisses still burned Raphael’s lips. He had been here, but he had…gone.

Rage flooded the large turtle’s veins, his breathing coming out in quick gasps. There were tears streaming from his eye, helplessly falling. Clutching his massive hands into fists, he screamed out his pain, not caring who heard, hoping that his voice would carry on the wind so that _he_ would hear. So that _he_ would know his fury. So that _he_ might feel regret and pain knowing that Raphael was angry with _him_ , that he would not easily forgive _him_ in the future.

But even as he screamed, even as he began hitting and throwing anything and everything in his path in an attempt to alleviate the agony which burned in his chest, nothing could soothe the devastation his Leo had left behind.


	7. I'm Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raphael and Leonardo finally come to an understanding.  
> Warning: SAINW

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BotCp drew for this story! Check it out! ^3^  
> http://sta.sh/02aueo6ltupq

Time stood still, the world stopped turning. Raphael watched in horror as Leonardo, his Fearless Leader, was ruthlessly cut down. Blood spattered across the floor, Karai staring down at the fallen body, blade still poised. There was a brief look of shock marring her features.

“LEO! NOOOO!”

Michelangelo’s death had been horrendous, a tremendous blow to the family that had only recently set aside past grievances to work towards the common good. To have seen his baby brother de-shelled by those Karai-bots, ruthlessly slaughtered with no mercy had been nearly impossible to stomach. Raphael hadn’t thought, just slashed and destroyed whatever was in his path in an attempt to assuage the pain. But in the end, nothing else matter save winning the day. To help Donnie succeed in purging the world of the evil that was the Shredder.

But to be forced to watch his past lover meet his demise?

He didn’t think as he raced at Karai, tackling her down to the floor. Didn’t register the pain when she flipped him into the glass display across the room. All Raphael could feel was the devastating torment of _rage_ ripping apart his soul. The pain, the anguish unlike anything he’d ever felt before. He couldn’t breathe, the agony crushing the life out of him.

There was no refinement in his fighting, no strategy, and it showed as he continued to use brute force against the woman that had murdered his lover. He wanted to end her life with his bare hands. Wanted to wear her blood and cut off her head as a trophy. He would avenge his brothers. He would avenge Leonardo!

The years had not been kind to him, however, and Karai had been kept in perfect condition. She would have been no use to the Shredder any other way. The mortal wound she inflicted upon him ensured that Raphael would never see another day in this world. But he did not care. Without Leonardo, what was the point? After everything that had passed between them, Raphael had always hoped there would be more time. A time to apologize, a time to make up. A time to prove his faithfulness and devotion. But that chance had been stolen away from him. He had nothing, now.

Refusing to be separated from his lover, Raphael clawed his way over to the still body, blood pooling out around the black coat. He would not die away from Leonardo. He would not die without at least trying to make amends, plead for understanding and forgivingness for his part in their feud. He would die beside his lover. Nothing else would do.

“Leo… _Leo_ ,” he groaned, reaching out to his lover before collapsing.

He’d made it.

Struggling for breath, Raphael managed to turn his head to face his brother. So pale. So still. He wanted to wrap the turtle up in his arms, to kiss him, plead with him to hang on. Tell him that everything was going to be okay. But he couldn’t move. The vision in his remaining eye was starting to dim, and the sound of the continuing battle raging around them began to fade to the background, forgotten.

Sorrow consumed him, freezing over the rage until he felt hallow. How could this have happened? They had finally been reunited. They had finally put their differences aside. They had finally worked together again. To have been able to see Leonardo again, to have touched him, to have heard his voice had been more wonderful than anything else in this wretched world. And now all his happiness had been taken away.

This couldn’t be happening. It _couldn’t_! There were still so many things Raphael had to do yet, so many words he needed to say. Panting on the body of his lover, the taste of bitter regret mingled with the blood.

If he could do it all over again, he’d have held Leonardo tight, would have never let him go. He would have kissed the turtle every day as if it had been the first time, every time. Would have memorized the softness of his lips, the way hands ghosted over his face, holding him tenderly. Would have ensured their lovemaking was always passionate, filled with adoration.

Their relationship had always been passionate, whether for good or ill, ardor had always been thick between them. Tempers would flare, eyes flashed, but how beautiful Leonardo had been in those moments. If only he could have made love to him one more time, Raphael would have treasured his lover’s intensity. He would have told Leonardo how much he adored the sparks that flew between them.

If only he could go back, Raphael would beg forgiveness – for everything. If only he could have stopped Karai before she had stabbed him in the back like the coward she was. If only he had been watching Leonardo’s back better, he could have saved him! If only Leonardo hadn’t run off to play the damn hero! If only Raphael could have hidden him away, to keep him safe! If only…

If only.

“Leo,” he groaned in anguish.

“R-rrrrr,” came a softly muttered sound.

Raphael would have sobbed in relief if he’d had the energy. “I’m here,” he murmured, pleased to have mustered up the strength to reach out and trace his lover’s face. “I’m here.”

“I-I’m s-s-sorry.”

“No.” Raphael refused to listen to the apology. Not now. Not like this. After so many years of yearning to hear those words from his elder brother, Raphael found he had no use for them now. “No, d-don’t talk like that.”

“S-sorry,” Leonardo continued to whisper. “S-so so-rry.”

“Me too,” he choked, throat thick with emotion and blood. “I’m s-sorry.”

“R-Raph…I-I love…”

The confession tapered off into nothing. Panic coursed through the larger turtle. “Leo,” he muttered as urgently as he could. “Leo. _LEO_.”

But there was no reply. Leonardo’s lack of response was more horrifying to Raphael than the aspect of his own impending death.

Unsure what to do, still shocked that this was how they would meet their end, Raphael laid on his lover, tears streaming from his eye. He wasn’t sure if Leonardo had passed on or had fallen unconscious, but it didn’t matter. In an attempt to soothe, if he still could, he tried to nuzzle against Leonardo’s plastron, to offer what warmth he could despite the blood slowly draining away from his own body. “I’m here,” he repeated like a mantra. “I’m here.”

The battle ended, but that didn’t matter. Raphael didn’t even register the fact. He kept his focus on Leonardo, on the cold, cold body that he wished he could warm again. His own breathing became labored, his vision gone, but with his dying breath, Raphael muttered the absolute truth from the depths of his soul. “I l-love y-you…”

One world grew dark, Raphael passing into the next. There came a whispered promise to greet him, along with a warm smile from dark eyes.

_“I’m here.”_


End file.
